Loving the Children

Over the years I have spent so much time intertwined in the lives of many kids involved in very detrimental circumstances. Seeing beautiful children suffer is heartbreaking, and I’ve seen a lot of it. I’ve worked with young kids under the age of 13 who have endured immense abuse, who were suicidal or who were products of environments surrounded by substance and alcohol abuse. The one thing they all have in common is that their parents deny that they themselves are either abusive and/or neglectful in some manner. Even with troubled kids that seem to come from “good” homes, there is something somewhere in the parenting or lack thereof that has contributed to the cause. In many cases, the abuse or neglect is very subtle, and parents don’t always realize how they are creating a lifestyle of failure for their own children.

Many times I’ve been called to show parents their own failure that has caused their kids to suffer. One example I see frequently is with parents who are excessive drinkers or drug users. They just can’t seem to understand why their kids have problems. I always ask them if they love their children, and they always tell me they do. They will all tell me that they would die for their kids. This is where I get to point out that they are dying for their kids, and that is the problem. They are however, supposed to be living for their children. It’s easy to die for them, but a lot harder to live for them. If parents want to live for their kids, they have to give up anything that comes between the love they say they have and needs their children have. Many parents really don’t love their kids, some don’t seem to know how and that is a very sad life for a child to have to endure.

Love is about sacrifice, and parents cannot provide the love that their children deserve if they are serving their own selfish desires. Many parents that say they cannot provide for their kids for example don’t seem to have trouble keeping beer or drugs in the home. And it’s not just alcohol or drugs, but many needless materialistic things often take precedence over the needs of the children. “Time” of course is often most important, as even many Christian parents still let the world spend more time with their kids than they do. Many parents are very selfish with their time, and it always shows with respect to the children. Children know beyond doubt when they are receiving our love, and they know when they are being neglected. The enemy and the world want to raise our kids, and all too often parents let it happen.

Many parents cannot seem to understand that their kids will not tell them what is troubling them. The children will tell their friends, and they always tell me, but rarely will they tell their parents. Kids who are neglected lose trust quickly, and even when they do express their issues to their parents I’ve often seen it thrown back into their face. Parents that do not listen to their kids will ultimately push them to failure. I watch a lot of parents yell at their kids. If you are a parent and you want your kid to grow up with anger issues, yelling at your grandkids, etc. then just continue to yell at them every time they attempt to explain something to you. It’s a very repetitive cycle. It is troubling that many parents really don’t care what their child is truly feeling. And, why should a child try to express their feelings to a parent who don’t care to listen? That is a question I’ve heard expressed by a lot of troubled children.

A lot of parents tell me that they were yelled at or abused a lot when they were kids. So what? I ask them why do they want to pass that on to their children? I’ve so often tried helping parents to first listen to their child when they have an issue, let the child tell it all before saying anything and then discuss the issue without raising their voice. What is so hard about that? Many parents just prefer to yell.

Issues and “drama” between parents and/or family members that create conflict in my opinion are still forms of child abuse. Petty jealousies, hatred, animosities, gossip and other senseless variance often leave the kids in the middle of family turmoil that they do not want and do not understand. I have seen so many parents drag their kids into idiotic squabbles, pitting them against one another. So many long-term emotional problems develop in kids due to the disconnection between the family members that they love. Kids love unconditionally, the way that adults are supposed to. The difference is that children love in an unconditional manner naturally, until they learn from adults how not to. Adults need to practice loving one another to set the example for their kids. Adults engaging in infighting are abusing their kids, it’s just that simple. There are many forms of child abuse, and we need to learn to call it what it is. Parents must also minimize the excuses as to why they fail their kids. I have seen some ridiculous stuff mess up entire families and the children suffer the most.

Then of course there is the modern solution to any and all issues that arise in our kids. Just open the phone book, pick out a therapist and hand the kids their medication every day. I’ve noticed a really disturbing trend with our “run” to our professional counseling mentality, and that is the drugs and often the counseling are not working. I am continuously amazed that we have many more and better trained health care professionals in the field, we have much better medication and better access to help than ever before yet the problems in children are getting worse. With all this great “help” we have available, shouldn’t the problems we see in our kids be lessening? Shouldn’t there be fewer kids with problems? If a child is having trouble, then the 1st persons that should go to counseling are the parents… It is self examination of family life that will always indicate what is wrong with the children. But since so many parents are “too busy” with their own issues to sort things out, they choose a trial and error approach of a third party “professional”. There is little question that there are cases where professionals are very much needed. Certain cases also include the need for medication therapy. But there are many more cases where the need for professionals and medication could be avoided.

My dad was a serious alcoholic, he died at the age of 47. His lifestyle was less than beneficial to his long-term health. The one really great thing my dad did do was to teach us what he learned in treatment. I was still in the 4th grade, but I remember it clearly. My dad went to treatment for his condition, and when he got out he applied his learning to our family life. He made a tangible effort to stop the cycle of substance abuse and it worked. He solved a lot of other problems in the process. He identified the problems in our family, and he and my mom devised specific times each week for “family”. In Christian life, the enemy has been very effective at removing family time, and it is now something families must practice in a substantial manner in order to achieve. We would turn off the TV, unhook the phone and choose activities to do in the home as a family while having an open and non-threatening environment to discuss our issues. We could choose our activities, sometimes it was games, other times art, etc.. We’ve all heard the term “play therapy”, that’s what they do to so many kids who have trouble in their lives these days. We were doing “play therapy” for the whole family and didn’t have to pay anyone for it. Even so many Christian parents I have known are afraid of setting aside family time. If you are a parent, you must learn to be the “counselor” for your children and create time to apply it. If you find other things in life are more important, then you don’t deserve to be a parent. Nothing is more important than the welfare of your children. If you love your kids, you better find time to let them know it. Make no mistake, the world is finding time to take them from you.

With so many parents being raised in dysfunctional surroundings while they themselves were kids, it has become increasingly important for our Churches to focus on teaching parents how to be better parents. In much of the New Testament scripture, Jesus had specific words regarding children. There is a balance between discipline and love, but no room for neglect or abuse. If we were to follow God’s wisdom appropriately, then many of the things in our lives that are detrimental to raising kids would be taken care of already, but the focus on teaching parents to love their kids is critical in the Church. If you belong to a Church that does not have a parent teaching program, then perhaps it’s time to get involved in starting one. Biblical counseling for parents is a critical aspect of helping children have a better future.

I’ve cared for and have provided ministry and counseling for many adults still struggling with a life that resulted from an abusive or neglectful childhood. Parents don’t realize how even seemingly minor issues can affect the entire life of their kids. All too often I hear from troubled adults, “if my parents would have done this” or “if they would have not done that”. Often I can clearly see where it all started. Our own life is the crystal ball to the lives of our kids, and I wonder how many parents really stop and think of how their kids will look back at them in the future. At the same time, I’ve held children as they weep while they try to deal with destroyed lives stemming from numerous circumstances. Rape, incest, abuse, drugs, murder, and on down to simply wishing their parents loved them enough to just go to their ball games. I can clearly see where it is all going.

Every tear I wipe from the face of a child who is not loved tears my heart to shreds. A lot of kids stay in my life for many years, and though it is my greatest blessing, it is none the less tragic that some of them choose to call me “dad” since they have no parents or because their parents were unfit. I often have to walk hand in hand with kids through things that they should never have to know. As Jesus had a special place in His heart for children, Jesus also promised that He has a “special” place reserved for those that offend them. We offend them in many ways. I’ve never found a single good reason for a parent to drag kids into or through any pain. “What are we doing to the kids”? That is a question all too often unasked. If we have kids in our lives, be they our kids, grandkids or someone else’s kids we need to be sure that in all we are doing, we are loving the children. They live by our example, and we will ultimately be held accountable.

Troy Jens -